The Canine News, April 2022

Folks, it’s been an eventful month already, and we’re only half-way through it. It’s been cold, which makes us shiver, but we’re all very thankful for a warm blanket, and for the wall-heaters that really take the edge off. Aren’t we? But we have to admit, if we’re being honest, that the hail really scares us when it is coming down so hard on the roof. It makes us want to hide under the hearth, doesn’t it? What’s with the hail, anyways? It’s April for gosh sakes! Some of us already got our spring cuts, and it is damn cold out there without our surplus hair.

In any event, on to the news: First off, there’s a new gal in town. Not sure if you’ve seen her yet, but she’s a looker. Chunky, with a big flat nose as big as a lollipop! And she stinks to high heaven! Yes, she’s got it all. But to be honest, we don’t think she’s a dog. She snorts, which is odd, and she has this little curly tail that doesn’t wag. They say she’s called, “Chubby Chub-Chubs” and that the little girl she lives with named her. Be that as it may, and whether or not she’s a canine makes no difference to us, she’s worth a gander next time you’re in the neighborhood. If you can, get up real close, right next to the chicken-wire fence where she resides, and take a big whiff. She’s something special!

The squirrels are out in abundance lately. You’ve probably noticed. They’re everywhere: running along fencetops, up and down trees, tearing wildly across streets, even venturing to look into our houses through the back window or the sliding door. It’s fantastic, it is truly wonderful to be alive! One of our compatriots, Fritz, nearly caught an unsuspecting squirrel right off, when he went out yesterday morning, and then he chased another up a tree directly after that one, and by the time his walk was done he had chased a good half-dozen of the glorious little fluff-balls. They’re fast, they’re darty, and they’re twirley too! The larger dogs say that they’re tasty as well. We’ll have to take their word for it. There is so much about them to enjoy!  

On to more serious matters, it has been reported there is a strange blending of aromas to be found in much of the surrounding vegetation. Dogs everywhere are highly excited by this recent development, and we’re no exception. We’ll turn this next segment over to Fritz with help from his brother Rocco, who’ve both been doing some deep investigation into this story. It is a constantly evolving situation so we’ll try to give you the most current update possible. Here is what we know so far: in the shrubs alongside the main street there seems to be some combination of savory and sweet, possibly slightly urine-ical, it takes one back to the classic smells from continental Europe—possibly Paris—so first guess is it is Eau de Poodle, possibly with remnants of hamburger…or cheeseburger intermingled. Interestingly, not much further up the road some of the grass there also has traces of this same selection, although with a musty overtone added, which hits the nose slightly acidic at first, but then softens and is reminiscent of the seashore and dirty socks. Across the street from this, we think someone in the recent past probably dropped some eggs or rotten fish into a fern—maybe both—it was nearly impossible to resist, and both of us just had to roll for a while in it. The smell is fading though, so if you are interested in experiencing it for yourself, you should hurry on down before it’s gone! As we all know, good smells don’t last forever; and stink waits for no dog.

That’s all the time we have for today, it’s nearly time for treats. The weekend looks to be a bit warmer and excellent for some exercise. Get out there is ramble! Remember, if you don’t like your news, try a different news source! Canine News is your source for another perspective; widening your view of the world. There’s more to life than meets the eye; when in doubt, or overwhelmed, just follow your nose instead!  


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