Month: July 2018

The hospice nurse had thought my mother would pass away sometime around Easter of 2016 and had prepared my sisters and me for this probability. As it turned out however, she lived an entire year longer. Our mom’s deepest desire during her final years was to stay in the home she loved, and fortunately we were able to provide that for her thanks to the dedication of my sisters, several caregivers and the hospice team. I also did my best to help by flying into Santa Rosa every four to six weeks and staying for several days to a week, relieving others on the team, and doing other practical duties related to her finances and keeping up the house. When her health had begun to seriously decline, during the latter half of 2015, she had stopped sleeping in her bedroom, but spent mostly sleepless nights in her recliner in the family room. At the time, we expected she would return to her bedroom at some point in the future, not realizing that from this point forward her world would slowly narrow, at first to just the family room and the kitchen, then to just the family room, and then step by step she would draw further and further into a world predominantly of her own.

She was very unstable on her legs, and often needed to rest because her lungs had been compromised, due to an allergic reaction to mold in her house. Over the years her lungs had scarred from this reaction, but by the time the doctors finally understood the cause and the source, and after we had removed the mold from the house, the scarring had progressed to a point of no return, and it was only a matter of time before it would finally kill her. In the meantime, her lung function slowly and steadily declined. We moved an oxygen machine into the family room so she could receive greater levels of oxygen as the condition worsened. One late night she fell down on her way to the kitchen, and unfortunately she wasn’t able to call out loudly enough to get assistance, so it took her several hours on her own to make her way back to her recliner. After this traumatic experience she refused to leave her chair again, and we were more careful to have someone sleep in the family room with her throughout the night.

For several months she persisted in staying in her recliner around the clock, and she resisted all manner of recommendations, and persuasions encouraging her to move into the bed that we had brought into the family room for her. Caring for her in the reclining chair was very difficult, but she didn’t want to move. She had purchased that chair many years earlier, and it was comfortable and obviously very important and familiar to her; and though we had made the bed in a way that was very inviting, she wanted no part of it. It was very hard to watch the mounting health issues she was facing: the swollen legs, the bedsores, and the difficulty breathing, along with the troubles and trials of regular daily hygiene. Solace for us, and for her, came by caring for her, and practically speaking, with the assistance of small doses of morphine which she took each day.

There were so few things I felt that I could do to help her, I couldn’t heal her, I couldn’t reverse the course of her condition, I couldn’t really do very much in a material way at all, but the few things I could do I did with all my heart. When I was with her I felt a heightened level of attention, and my muscles were slightly tensed as I awaited any request she might make; sometime she might ask for some juice, or she might need a tissue, or to have some moisturizer rubbed onto her legs, or lip balm applied to her lips. Any of these requests were my opportunity to do something, finally, and I jumped at the chance. I never poured out a simple glass of juice with such attention as I did then for her, trying to make sure it was the exact amount she wanted, perhaps the right blend of different types of juices that she liked, into the cup that I knew she would like, and then holding it for her at just the right angle so she could place the straw in her mouth without too much trouble, or eventually placing it in her mouth for her, when she no longer could do that herself. I felt like I had been given a huge honor when I could hand her a tissue and then wait until she finished with it and could throw it away for her. I didn’t of course always feel this way, sometimes I was tired, or bored, or wanted to do something else, or just needed a break to get away from the sorrowful intensity, but many times, quite often actually, I did feel this way, because I loved her, and felt deeply that I owed her so much for everything she had done for me in my life, and simply because she was my mom.

At first I didn’t like rubbing moisturizer on her legs because they were in such bad shape, with the swollenness and the sores, but then I remembered it had been barely two years earlier while I had been visiting her that I had a nasty rash on my right calf and she took care of me and helped healed it. This seemed fitting to return the attention and the caring. As I did so, I reflected how quickly fading this time with her was becoming, how quickly our entire time had passed, though it was forty-seven years or so that we had spent sharing this life. Rubbing her legs would likely be among the final acts that we would ever have together. With this thought I began to enjoy it, and I began to infuse it with all of my attention and care once again. And when she asked me to apply lip-balm, I trembled a little as I touched her dry and withered lips, because they were beautiful to me, and I knew, as I rubbed them with my finger, that these lips which had kissed my boo-boos when I was little, and had spoken such sweet kindnesses to me throughout my life, would soon be departing, and I would have them with me no more.

I reflected on our past together and all the things she taught me, the things we enjoyed together, the comfort I felt in just knowing that she existed even if I wasn’t near her, and that if anything in life got too bad, or too difficult, I always had her, and could trust in her support, and in her loving embrace. I remembered how she had calmed me when I had missed the bus after months on the road and was hitchhiking back home from Alaska, after so many difficult nights without shelter and with little food, and how desperately I yearned to get home, and when my hope was faltering she steadied me. A simple phone call and a few minutes of hearing her voice was enough to give me renewed strength, and the courage to continue.  I remembered all the times I had picked up hitchhikers myself, or had volunteered to help someone, or gave money to someone in need, and how all of these kindnesses had been inspired by her example; the love she gave, the gift of her time to those who needed to talk or needed a loving shoulder cry on, how she had opened our home to all of those various people in need during my youth, and had extended herself in so many ways in the service of others. I learned about beauty from her through her love of classical music, her admiration for nature, and her gift for weaving. I always knew that if I found myself in a place or situation strange and uncomfortable, I could look to her and we understood each other. There was always an unspoken understanding between us even if words escaped us.

And so it was again, on my final visit with her. She had barely spoken more than a word or two at a time, for many months, and most of our interactions had been silent ones: holding hands, combing her hair, rubbing her legs. Although, one afternoon I picked up the hymnal she had beside her bed, and opened it to several of her favorite hymns, and sang them to her. By this time she kept her eyes closed most of the time so it was hard to know if she was awake or asleep, conscious of my singing or not, but still I sang to her. I was happy to be able to sing her a lullaby as she prepared for her eternal rest. It was early March, 2017 and I would be returning to my home soon, and though nobody knew for certain how much longer she would live, it seemed clear that she was close to the end of her life now. In a rare moment she opened her eyes and looked deeply into mine. She had clear blue eyes. Sweet eyes. I looked also into her eyes, and we spoke to one another, silently, from the depths of our being. She was saying goodbye. She wanted me to know that she loved me, which of course I knew, and she wanted me to know it would be okay, that she would be okay and that I would be okay. She gathered a great deal of energy to say these things, even if they were said without words and only through the language of her eyes, and it was energy she barely had, but this was her final farewell, and I knew she wanted to give whatever she had, to tell me these things, to help me; it was her final sacrifice of love for me.

When the time came to leave and return to my home, she was being cared for by her caregivers, as they were giving her a sponge bath. She hadn’t opened her eyes again to me after that last silent conversation, and I knew it wouldn’t be a good time to interrupt her, so I quietly left the room, picked up my bags and departed to the airport. Part of me wanted to say goodbye one more time, to touch her one last time, but I refrained because she had already chosen the perfect way to say goodbye when she gathered the strength to look into my eyes.

A few weeks later my sister called in the early morning to let me know that our mother had departed this life. I had been prepared for this, I had read numerous books about death and dying, I had prayed, I had visualized, and I had imagined, for most of my life, everything about this moment. It was the moment I most dreaded, that most worried me and filled me with apprehension; and now here it was. After I got off the phone I stared at myself in the mirror and I cried. Here standing before me was the world’s newest orphan.

(to be continued)

~FS

You may remember the story of how, when Jesus was washing His disciples feet, to teach them that they should be servants to each other, Peter first declined, because he felt it was beneath Jesus’s dignity to wash Peter’s feet, but then, when Jesus explained that if He didn’t wash Peter’s feet, Peter could have no part in Him; so then Peter said not his feet only, but that Jesus should wash also his hands and his head. The Chrismation portion of the liturgy, which follows directly upon the Baptism, reminds me of this story. Chrismation is the process of anointing with holy oil and is the mystery, or sacrament, that transmits the Holy Spirit to the newly illumined person. One might imagine it would be enough to anoint the person on the forehead and call it a day, but in this service the person is anointed on the forehead, the nostrils, the lips, the ears, the chest, the hands and the feet. As I was being anointed, each time, Father John would say, “the seal and gift of the Holy Spirit”. The power of the Holy Spirit, the gift that Christ sent to us to enable us to do all things for Him is given to the whole of us, and like Peter, I felt like I was being lavishly gifted, and it emboldened me to live zealously for my God, as the Holy Spirit was given to my mind, my heart, my ears which hear, my eyes which see, my lips which speak, to my nostrils which breathe the breath of life, and also to my hands which act, and to my feet which carry me about to do God’s will.

Following the anointing with oil, Father John then led me in a procession around the baptismal font while the choir sings a hymn related to our new life in Christ; along with the choir everyone together sings these words, “As many as have been baptized into Christ, have put on Christ, Alleluia!” This speaks to the new spiritual reality that the newly baptized no longer wears their garment of sin, but has instead put on a new garment, the light and power of the risen Lord; and with this, they proceed into their new life as members of the body of Christ, on their way into the Kingdom of God. Because this is a movement away from the old life, and a movement into a new life, with new gifts and new power, we are led in a procession, which embodies and symbolizes this new reality of movement into Christ’s Kingdom.

One final interesting moment during the Chrismation, which came as a surprise to me was tonsuring, in which a portion of my hair was cut off. I’ve always associated tonsuring with becoming a monk, and didn’t realize that everyone entering the Orthodox church is tonsured. Since our hair is associated with worldly beauty, and in a sense our worldly power, or simply our worldliness in general, the idea behind tonsuring is that it shows the underlying reality that we have sacrificed our worldliness for Godliness, and that by our choice and act of baptism and chrismation we have given our worldly beauty to God to be transformed and made new into His likeness, into divine beauty.

With the conclusion of the Baptism and Chrismation liturgy my entry into the Orthodox church was nearly complete; now I had only to wait until the Pascha (Easter) service later that night when I would be first to receive the light of Christ coming out from the altar and first to receive the Eucharist on Pascha morning. My confession had taken place the night before on the day the church participates in the death of our Lord on the cross, my Baptism and Chrismation happened on Holy Saturday, the day that the church participates in Christ’s entombment, and soon I would participate for the first time, with the church, as it participates in our Lord’s glorious resurrection.

As I’ve mentioned it was challenging yet rewarding to wait for so long, several years ultimately, before I could take part in the Eucharist during the Divine Liturgy. From where I stood in the choir though, I had always enjoyed the spectacle, as the church body, every individual, lined up and waited their turn to approach the chalice, and be served the bread and the wine, the body and blood of our Lord. Meanwhile, we in the choir sing the words, “Receive the body of Christ; taste the fountain of immortality”. I often reflected, as I sang these words, that there could be a double meaning to this ‘reception of the body of Christ’. The obvious meaning is that we are singing to all the people in the congregation as they approach the chalice about to receive the body of Christ broken and shed for each of us, but as I watched each individual approach the chalice—every unique person: old, young, tall, short, funny, serious, healthy or sick, joyful or sorrowful—I was also struck that here in all of these divinely created people, also was the body of Christ. Every Christian, every saint was made in the image and likeness of God, and through the actions of God, each of them are returning to Him again. So God too is receiving the body of Christ, because He receives each of us to Himself. I don’t know how theologically sound this idea may be, but I enjoyed the poetic beauty of it, and the wholeness and reciprocity that it represented. Somehow the idea of simultaneously receiving and being received is satisfying and feels supremely fulfilling. I tried to capture a little of this idea, of this feeling which I had mused about while singing and watching others over the years coming forward in praise and thanksgiving to receive the most blessed gift in all creation; I finally put the idea forward in the following words:

Incense coils upward

in long argentine strands

Angelic voices sing a joyous refrain:

“Receive the body of Christ

Taste the fountain of immortality.”

The hands of Christ serve

the body of Christ

from a golden chalice.

Each member called by name,

singular and unique.

Forming a line in quiet expectation

of the gift of eternal blessings;

a body numerous are

the servants of The King,

multiform, and manifesting His

infinite creativity.

Let us each put on

the eyes of thanksgiving

and the ears of obedience

and praise.

Laying aside all earthly cares,

let us settle into that peace

which reveals things

as they truly are;

without judgement

or condemnation,

but in the simplicity

of Godly revelation.

The Body and the Blood–

we receive,

and Christ receives us.

We are glorified by His glory

and deified by His divinity.

We come to the King empty-handed

and He gives us everything.

As I stood in line waiting my turn I felt a nervous excitement, a great anticipation and a curiosity. I wondered what it would taste like, how it would feel, would I do everything correctly? When finally it was my turn, and I stood before the chalice, Father John spoke my name, it was so personal and intimate; the body and blood of my Lord and Savior was being offered specifically and precisely for me, Francis John. I received it and returned to my place in the choir. My reception was now complete, and while it was joyful and extremely meaningful to me at the time, it wouldn’t be until some time later that the true power of it would come into clearer focus, and I would experience the life changing aspects of these mysteries in greater fullness.

(to be continued)

~FS

My baptism, like all baptisms in the Orthodox Church, was a community event that involved most of the church membership. Baptism is a major act in the life of the church and people make an effort to be present at each one, not only because it is a joyful event to witness the rebirth of a new member in Christ, but at the same time each baptism of a new member of the body is a reminder, for every other witness present, of their own baptisms; it is a reenactment in a way, or a reaffirmation and renewal for everyone involved. Had I not previously witnessed several other baptisms in the years prior to my own, so as to be familiar with this wonderful inclusiveness of support and love, I would have been taken aback, and been a little embarrassed by the outpouring of attendance for this service, whose entire function and purpose was to invite me into the life of the church, into the Kingdom of God. It can be a little overwhelming to experience this kind of attention, yet it is a generosity that is reflective of God’s love for us, and it is an experience that warms the heart.

The baptism service is long, not inconsequential, nor something done quickly so as to move on to something better. I don’t know exactly how long it is but it must be close to an hour and involves the choir singing multiple hymns and prayers along with the participation of the priest and deacon, and the entire congregation. Additionally, each catechumen about to be baptized, has chosen a sponsor, someone who is there beside them, literally and figuratively having helped them in the months or years previous, as they approached this important step, and now standing alongside in this service as participants, assisting the catechumen, responding along with them, walking beside them. My sponsor, Jack, had been an Episcopal priest for about thirty years prior to converting to Orthodoxy many years prior to my baptism. He was very knowledgeable, kind and humorous; the exact sort of person to trust with an important event such as this, so I felt at ease, and in good hands.

There are far too many elements and aspects to baptism and chrismation for me to address them all here, and besides I likely only know a fraction of them anyway, and there are other books written on the subject by authors far more knowledgeable than I; but I can give you a first-hand account, eye witnessed and experienced in detail. I’ll share the highlights of mine, but I encourage everyone to experience for themselves an Orthodox baptismal liturgy at least once in their life, because they are beautiful in very many ways, and are life-changing as well.

We began the service at the western entrance to the church. Actually it was the southern entrance, since our building isn’t a proper Orthodox temple, but had it been designed and built originally as an Orthodox church, then the entrance would have been at the western end, while the altar would be at the eastern. Much of Christian cosmology associates Christ with the east, so this is the basis of this architectural orientation. So the baptismal liturgy begins at the west (south in my case), as far away from the eastern altar as possible, because this expresses the reality of our soul’s condition before baptism; we are as far away from God as we can be, lost in our sins, reveling in our worldly passions, going our own way in every conceivable way. As the service progresses we move towards the east, towards the altar of our Lord, towards our new life in close communion with Him. Several important things occur at the ‘western’ entrance: an exorcism to free us from the influence and power of Satan and the demonic powers of this world, our verbal renunciation of him from our lives, and our verbal proclamation of allegiance to our new lord, Jesus Christ. During this point in the service, I am asked to proclaim the fact that, “I unite myself to Christ.” Stating this out loud three times, in the presence of all of my church family, gave me chills, because it was a statement of power, and felt very authoritative and binding. I felt grateful in this moment, that the church understood my inner need to say this, and had given me the words to proclaim it for everyone to hear, and to hear myself say it, not once, which could have just been an accident, and not twice which might have allowed me still to change my mind, but a third time, somehow sealing the deal.

As I approached the altar, coming closer to my God, I stood before the baptismal font. Here before me, in the middle of the sanctuary was a large pool of water roughly two feet wide, six feet long and two feet deep; in a subtle way it resembled a coffin. How appropriate, for it was to be my burial, and my tomb yet simultaneously my womb, and my birth.

Father John blessed the waters and anointed them with oil. As Christ sanctified the entire world when He incarnated in the flesh and came to reclaim what is His, these baptismal waters, as part of our Lord’s created and sanctified world are blessed and made holy. I don’t understand the mystery of baptism, all that it is or does, but as Father John blessed and anointed the water, I imagined its purity, and that it would somehow convey this purity to me as I was submerged within it. I imagined these waters as suddenly crystalline, and as a conductor of the energies of God, activating my own soul and bringing it to life again. I wrote this about the experience:

My life has been a rainbow of iniquity—

the red of anger misplaced,

the yellow of cowardice,

the green of envy,

and the blue of dejection.

But Christ has healed my colors,

transforming them,

into a spectrum of devotion.

Through baptism and the oil of gladness—

the fragments of my mind and heart,

have been gathered,

and life restored to my fading soul.

The baptismal font:

that crystalline prism which purifies,

the disparate and multi-colored,

paths of my sinful life,

yielding new life in me,

uniting me in the white light of Christ.

I have been distilled by water and the spirit—

dissolute no longer,

dissolved into the life of Christ.

I have descended into the crystalline waters;

my impurities have fallen away,

and I am raised up again as a pure vapor.

I am a new spirit,

a pure spirit,

a holy spirit.

As I entered the water, and as all of these things were occurring within me, there was another drama playing out at the water’s edge; a joyful and light drama, perhaps more of a comedy, unscripted, non-liturgical, spontaneous and improvisational, yet very biblical and certainly enriching my baptism immensely. Along the right edge of the baptismal font several of my favorite children lined up, crouching against the side of the font, their heads and arms draped along the rim of the font. Their smiling and laughing faces watching me as I was dunked under the water, holding conversations amongst themselves as I prepared to dunk a second time, some staring down into the water, another pointing out something of interest to her friend, and then another convulsion of laughter rippling through this happy chorus as I am dunked a third time. Could there have been a better welcoming committee at the shore of my baptism than a host of wonderful, laughing children, with bright and smiling faces? The Orthodox church rarely adds or changes its liturgies, but if it did, I would highly encourage the addition of children at the edge of every baptismal font during every baptism, for there could be no better welcome into the body of Christ, or into the Kingdom of God than to be welcomed by a smiling child.

(to be continued)

~FS

In the late winter of 2016 as my baptism was approaching, my mother’s health had declined to the point that my sisters and I accepted the help of hospice care, with the understanding that she likely wouldn’t live much longer. In fact, one nurse suggested during my visit in February that I should certainly plan to return again before Easter because she didn’t think our mom would survive more than another month or so.  I had grappled with the sorrowful inevitability of death before, with the deaths of my father, brother and step-father, all people very important to me, but the looming probability of my mother’s imminent death shook me more deeply. Though I knew Jesus should be the true cornerstone and foundation of my life, the reality was that up to that point in my life, my mom was these things for me, so the thought of losing her was an existential threat to me psychologically; it was profoundly difficult to imagine myself living, if she wasn’t alive.

Providing hope and a bulwark against the backdrop of this impending loss was my faith, and more particularly the expectation of my coming baptism and entry into the Orthodox Church. I saw my baptism as an inoculation in a way, or a homeopathic remedy to my sorrow, so to speak, because baptism is also a death, the death of who we have been as we are made new in Christ, and so, by this death I could be healed of death, and in a sense death could be put to death by the very mechanism of my death in Christ. I mean that the death of my mom, and my own inevitable death, could lose its sting, lose its power over me, and thereby in a sense be put to death, through baptism, or death in Christ. The reason for this of course, is the hope we gain from the other aspect of baptism—that by it we are joined to Christ, who has conquered death by way of His resurrection, and by the reality of His life after death, to which we also gain entry.

We are told to prepare for the Kingdom of God by repentance. Though our part is negligible in the economy of salvation, still we have things we are told to do and repentance is one of the main things. Turning from our old life of sin, turning towards a new life of virtue and of following the gospel commands, renouncing the things of our old life and proclaiming allegiance to our Lord, casting off the shades of darkness and putting on garments of light, allowing ourselves to be given an inner light that shines for all to see; these are the things of repentance and of baptism, and these things are to become a way of life for a Christian, not something done once and then forgotten, but something done daily and forever. Repentance is at the heart of Baptism and it is also the essence of the other great mystery known as Confession; which is required for the first time, just prior to Baptism and entry to the church. It is the opportunity to jettison all the sin, all the shame of the past, to throw it overboard once and for all, to bring it to the light and let Christ dissolve it, overcome it and purify it in his perfect light. The night before my baptism I met with Father John at the church and had my first confession, a full life confession which was my opportunity to repent of everything I had ever done or thought, voluntarily or involuntarily, with knowledge or in ignorance throughout my entire life up to this point. What a horror but what a joy it was, what a supreme shame and yet also what a magnificent relief, what flow of tears of mingled sorrow and contentment. It was the shower before the bath.

The following day I would be baptized, on Pascha of 2016, and I had just taken the first step by my Confession. It was the beginning of a new journey. About this new path I wrote the following:

Preparing for the journey;

traveling light.

You won’t need those things,

where you’re going.

And you can’t take them with you.

Can you squeeze the world

through a pinhole?

And if you could,

what use would it be to you,

in your new home?

Pull up what you have hidden,

under the floorboards—

throw them all overboard.

You’re a traveling light now;

traveling light.

Goodbye to darkness,

all your shadows disappear,

dissolving into brightness,

total victory over fear.

Perfect light,

contains no darkness.

Perfect love,

contains no weight.

Death in Christ—

means traveling light.

You are a traveling light now.

So travel light.

It is common to be afraid to bring shameful things to the light, because of fear of rebuke, of losing face, or being derided, or feeling accused; but there is nothing any of us have done that isn’t common to man, and by bringing everything to the light and repenting of everything we not only achieve our own freedom from the power it had over us, but we make the path easier for others to do the same and to find their own freedom, which is an act of love.

(to be continued)

~FS