The Visitor

I wanted to share with you, my dear friend, about a visit I had today with somebody different, or at least they seemed that way to me, at first. You may judge for yourself, of course, as to who and what he is, and what significance he has, if any, and why I should take the trouble to tell you about him.

I think you’ll be surprised, however, because he’s not who you thought he was, nor who you are thinking he might be now, as I am beginning to tell my story…his story. Well, our story I suppose, since it is a fact of life that when any two of us meet, and share space and time together, our stories intermingle—becoming one—it is impossible for this not to occur. My story becomes his, and his becomes mine, and together our story joins with your own.

He is a young man, by appearances in his early thirties, tall and thin. He wears a ski-cap, camouflage: tan, green, and darker green, tight to his head, wisps of brown hair curling out at the back. He has shaved recently, but not too recently, so his face is covered with a reddish-brown stubble not quite long enough to get a hold of with finger and thumb.

He has a service dog, a German-Shepherd, mostly dark-haired but with a little light-brown on his muzzle and on his chest. He’s a good, quiet boy, but alert. His eyes are golden brown and constantly scan his surroundings. He’s seven, with good hips for a shepherd, and he can still run ten miles easy in a day, but he’s a little slow to get up the next morning, I guess he is slowing down a bit.

The young man likes the Bible and can quote from it fairly well. He thinks perhaps he should be a pastor, or a motivational speaker, but then, he doesn’t like talking in front of large groups of people. If he had to do that he thinks he might shit himself, at least that is how he puts it. Still, he likes to share with people, and help them if he can, he likes to let them know how much God loves them. Of this fact, he is certain.

Today, he has a little sign near his feet which reads: “Hebrews 13:1-5”. This is a Bible verse of course. It is a really good and important verse, he let me know, and though many people know John 3:16, and maybe something from Revelation, this one people should know as well. I’ll tell you more about that soon, just let me share a few other things first.

He prefers one-on-one conversations, it’s easier this way, and not so intimidating. He meets a lot of people every day, but he’s lonely, his only real friend is his dog. It’s been six years since he last had a girlfriend—just to mention that in passing—although this doesn’t seem to bother him; it is just a little information to back up the fact that he’s alone. He does have one guy who lives not far from his place up in the hills, he buys that guy and his dog pizza now and then, so he guesses they are friends.

When his little baby brothers were born, his heart burst with joy and love for them. He has two little brothers, and he has many joyful memories of those little boys. But other memories of his childhood are not so joyful, and some haunt his dreams even to this day. Back in the early 1990’s, when he was a little boy himself, he had been very energetic and precocious. People no longer understood by then, that this is merely the definition of boyhood, but somehow saw it as an illness instead. (I remember my own childhood in the 1970’s when people, thankfully, still understood that high energy was just a normal trait of boyhood.) In order to manage this supposed “illness” he was put on Ritalin and Zoloft in high doses. After that he had a lot of difficulty: his parents divorced, and his mom remarried a very large and intimidating man who enjoyed beating up children. His new stepfather was 6′-6″ tall and weighed about 260 pounds and had difficulty controlling his anger. On several occasions, after his step-father beat him, he would need to be taken to the hospital to recover. He was only ten. Now, decades later, he still suffers from nightmares, horrible remembrances, and wakes from them, shaking and terrified of this very large and intimidating man.

Dear friend, I almost didn’t meet this young man today. He was standing on the sidewalk at the entrance to Lowe’s as I drove past; his back was turned to me but I happened to see the cardboard sign he held asking for help which also mentioned that he suffers from Asperger’s Syndrome. I pulled over and walked back to meet him.

For months I have been wandering, in a sense—not literally—but in the depths of my soul. Let me briefly share about this, only briefly, because this is his story, not mine. I have been homeless, in the depths of my heart, estranged from God, angry at him for the death of my mother, the deaths of my brother and father, and of many others whom I love. Yet, for me, God is my only home and without daily prayer and communion with Him, I am homeless. Nevertheless, how can one pray in love to someone whom they are vehemently angry against? It is extremely difficult to love the one we are hating, though we may want to love them, yet we can’t find the ability to stop hating. But then recently it occurred to me that I had misplaced my anger, directing it to the wrong person, and I had been wrong.

Let me tell you, there was something this young man said while we visited that struck me because of its relevance to my situation, and because of the certainty with which he said it; in fact, there were several things he said, not merely one, with such conviction and personal experience that I joyfully listened to this preacher:

“I have never hated God, I’m not angry at God,” he said, “God has never hurt me, only people have hurt me.” He added, “We can’t be angry at God for this, God only loves us. I wish so much that people could understand how much God loves them. If only people knew how much they are loved I think there would be no more wars, nobody would be angry at each other, our world would be peaceful. I just want people to know how much they are loved by God. I know this by experience. I experience Jesus right beside me, I feel him and know with certainty that He exists. I suffer a lot but it is God’s plan for me and I learn from it. This is where I am supposed to be.”

He continued, “I see God easily, I understand the patterns, most people can’t see the patterns or understand them in this world, but they all point to God. I’m good at seeing patterns. I have an IQ of 142; that is supposed to be a genius they say, I am pretty smart. I was tested when I was in the mental hospital. I was there for several years when I was younger. I was also tested bi-polar which is true. My mom says that none of the things ever happened with my step-father, that he never beat me, she says I’m a liar and schizophrenic but she isn’t right, that isn’t true, they tested me for that and I’m not schizophrenic or schizoid disorder, I’m bi-polar and have Aspergers. You’ve probably noticed that I can’t look you in the eyes when we talk (which I had noticed), I have a really hard time with that and I can get nervous around people, sometimes I lose my temper also. And I have anxiety around people, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like them, I do. When I’m anxious I sometimes pull at the hairs in my mustache and I actually pull them out, so then I have to shave so that it all grows in evenly again.”

“I can’t keep a job. I’m unable to do it for more than a few weeks. I get social security though but it isn’t enough to get through the month so I stand here and get a little extra. We live in a tent northeast of here. I ride my bike and he runs alongside with me. I grew up in this area so I know the hills very well so I found a safe, quiet place to live. I buy propane for a heater and it stays nice and warm in my tent, I actually have to turn off the heater around 4am in the morning it gets so warm.”

“People think I do drugs but I don’t. Well, I do smoke pot and that helps me. But I will not do meth or heroin or anything like that. I’ve never done it and never will. I don’t want anything to do with that. Someone asks me on the street to join them and I just tell them I won’t and then I need to leave and get away from them. I don’t want it. That path is just death and hell. Those people doing that (drugs) don’t know God, they don’t feel his presence and so they don’t know the way of life.”

“I have seen hell, I’ve experienced it and I know about it. People think about hell and how unfair it is that God would put someone in that awful place forever but they don’t understand. It is outside time, it isn’t ruled by time. Like when you eat too much for Thanksgiving and then you fall asleep, you sleep for an hour, deeply, and then wake up and feel as if you had slept for an eternity. God operates like that, hell is outside of time like God. I have lucid dreams, I had one where I stood in front of a brown podium with a judge dressed all in black and someone stood beside me, I couldn’t see Him but I knew He was there and was my friend. The judge lowered his head and I knew I had lost. I turned and they opened a vault door, you know the kind that are round and solid steel like you see in movies or cartoons, they opened it and there was a volcano inside and I had to walk into it and Jesus was beside me walking with me. I didn’t want to walk into it but I couldn’t stop myself, I had to walk and we walked into it together, then there was a metal walkway, narrow, a grate, and I could see, literally, a lake of fire below me, and I could feel the heat on all of the walls, they were glowing and I could feel myself being roasted. Jesus turned to me and we looked each other in the eyes and he asked me, ‘You know this is hell don’t you?’ And I replied, ‘Yes, but that’s okay, it isn’t forever.’ And He smiled at me, just a little smile like a father would give a son who he approves of, and with that smile He said to me, ‘well done’. I woke up from that dream, ‘what the hell?’ it was terrifying, but I knew that really was Jesus with me and I was safe. I’ve known Him forever, and He has known me forever.”

The young man went on talking to me for quite some time; he talked about his life on the street, the exorbitant cost of getting his bicycle repaired, his hopes of getting into housing someday, and how people love his dog, who, sensing his opportunity, he got up from his place in the nearby groundcover, and nuzzled me for a little attention. The young man lamented that people worry and care more about his dog than about him. “He’s a dog after all! He’s just a dog and he loves living out here. I mean look at him, he’s eating a weed right now.” Truly, he seemed very pleased with himself as he rooted and dug about in the plants. “If he was to walk by a dog in a house he’d probably be like ‘Man I feel sorry for you!’ And every morning when I open up the tent he jumps out and chases a squirrel or two, does his business and loves it. But people are sad for him living on the street and they figure I deserve it. It must be my own fault. I must be doing drugs.”

He stopped talking, and looked at me briefly, and smiled one of the sweetest and simplest smiles I’ve seen, without artifice or irony, but with slightly saddened eyes; yet, I swear to you, in his eyes were a magnificent depth of peace and joy intermingled with the sadness, so that I felt for a moment that I was looking into the eyes of an angel. I couldn’t help but love him. After this brief flash he turned away from me again, characteristically, looking into the distance as he spoke.

Our visit ended after a time, and later in the day I was trying to remember which verse it was that he had written on the cardboard sign at his feet. I wanted to look it up when suddenly he texted me (I had texted him my number so we could stay in touch.) asking me to please continue to help people who are in need, and he included the verse in his text:

“Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. Continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering. Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

 *  *  *

~FS

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